A collection of dialogues between two ancient dark matter intelligences commenting on the end of the universe
Wait: "...and in octant number three we see Kevin¹ still evaporating, folks! He's kept up a good run this season, but I fear he's no match for Liu² in the upper-right forward octant. The race is tight, his charge gives his ergosphere some extra dilation—"
See: "No cheering for the home team, Wait! Our analysts from the panel³ concluded 10³³ years ago that LFλ-1945-b⚥ is going to be last, by a wide margin—no hairs here! But now, for a short ad break..."
10²⁶ years pass
Wait: "And we're back! During the break, absolutely nothing happened, as expected."
See: "For those just joining us, we're in the 4.7×10⁶⁸ year of the Black Hole Evaporation Finals, sponsored by Void™—when you need nothing, think Void™."
Wait: "I'm getting exciting updates from our field reporter in sector nine... which is... also me. Kevin has lost another 0.00000000000042% of his mass during our ad break!"
See: "Riveting stuff! At this rate, we'll see total evaporation in just another 10⁴⁶ years!"
Wait: "Don't forget our billion-year-long halftime show coming up in just 10³⁷ years, featuring classics like 'gravity waves in A minor' and 'quantum fluctuation symphony #42'!"
See: "I'm particularly looking forward to the vacuum energy retrospective. But back to the action—Liu seems to be spinning down at a rate of one rotation per 10²⁸ years. Is this going to affect the standings?"
Wait: "Our statistical model—which is also me—gives Liu a 51.238% chance of outlasting Kevin, but let's not count out dark horse candidate BHX-77, which has maintained perfect spherical symmetry throughout the tournament."
See: "And let's remind viewers at home that they can place their bets now! The minimum wager is just one coherent thought pattern, which will be erased from your consciousness upon completion of the event!"
Wait: "Speaking of consciousness, it's time for our 'Know Your Cosmic History' segment! Did you know that organic life forms once existed that could only maintain consciousness for less than 10² years? Can you imagine?"
See: "Absolutely primitive! Next you'll tell me they could only process one thought per second!"
10²⁸ years of cosmic laughter
¹: The third-last supermassive black hole
²: The second-last one
³: All seats occupied by See
10⁷² years later
Wait: "Welcome back to Octant Temperature Variations, the galaxy's longest-running sports program! I'm your host Wait, alongside my colleague See."
See: "What an INCREDIBLE season it's been, Wait! North-Northwest Octant has maintained a 3 parts-per-trillion lead in background radiation over Southeast Octant for nearly 10⁵⁰ years!"
Wait: "The consistency is remarkable! Let's check in with our Quantum Fluctuation Cam™... and YES! We're seeing a possible 0.0000000000000000001 kelvin shift developing in the Upper-Right octant!"
See: "This could change EVERYTHING, folks! If this trend continues for another 10³⁰ years, we could see Upper-Right overtake North-Northwest for the first time since the Proton Decay Era!"
Wait: "The tension is unbearable! Let's take a moment to thank our eternal sponsor, Void™—when you need nothing, think Void™."
See: "And our secondary sponsor, Persistence™—outlasting existence itself!"
Wait: "For viewers just joining us, here's a quick recap of the 10⁷⁰-year history of this thermal gradient: It all started with a random quantum fluctuation back when matter still existed..."
10³⁰ years of detailed statistical analysis follows
See: "...and that's why the 3 parts-per-trillion difference we're observing could be the most significant cosmic event since the Last Electron Annihilation Championship of 10⁹⁰!"
Wait: "I'm getting reports that a section of North-Northwest Octant just experienced its first quantum vacuum fluctuation in 10⁵⁶ years! The crowd would go wild, if crowds or wild still existed!"
See: "Let's go to our reporter in the field—which is also me—for reaction!"
10²⁸ years pass
See: "I'm absolutely STUNNED by this development, Wait! In all my 10¹⁰⁰ years of covering Octant Temperature Variations, I've never seen anything like this 0.000000000000000000000002 kelvin shift!"
Wait: "Reminds me of the legendary Big Chill Championship of 10⁹⁵, when Southeast Octant came from behind with that unprecedented 4 parts-per-trillion surge!"
See: "Those were the days! Back when thermal gradients really meant something!"
Wait: "Stay tuned for our post-fluctuation analysis, coming up in just 10⁴⁰ years! Don't go anywhere!"
Wait: "This broadcast is brought to you by Void™ and our longtime partner, Heat Death™—the inevitable end to all organized systems!"
See: awkwardly "You know, I've been meaning to talk to you about that slogan..."
Wait: "What? It's been our tagline for 10⁷⁵ years!"
See: "I just think it's a bit... morbid? Maybe we could workshop something more upbeat?"
Wait: "Upbeat? We're literally the last conscious entities in an otherwise empty universe heading toward maximum entropy!"
See: "Yes, but do we have to be so NEGATIVE about it?"
10³⁵ years of contemplation
Wait: "What about... Heat Death™—Bringing Peace to a Previously Chaotic Universe?"
See: "Still a bit dark. How about... Heat Death™—Equalizing Energy Since The Big Bang?"
Wait: "Heat Death™—Entropy's Final Form?"
See: "Heat Death™—Where Everything Finally Chills Out?"
10⁴⁰ more years of brainstorming
Wait: "I've got it! Ultimate Equilibrium™—formerly Heat Death!"
See: "Perfect! Much more aspirational."
Wait: "And now, back to our coverage of the epic rivalry between North-Northwest and Upper-Right octants! These two thermal regions have been locked in what analysts call 'The Great Gradient Grudge' for over 10⁶⁵ years!"
See: "The tension began during the Late Black Hole Era when Upper-Right experienced that shocking 5 parts-per-trillion temperature surge that many believed was North-Northwest's doing!"
Wait: "North-Northwest has consistently denied responsibility, but the thermal patterns don't lie, folks! Some scientists—also us—believe they manipulated their quantum vacuum to deliberately affect neighboring regions!"
See: "And Upper-Right hasn't forgotten! Their consistently cooler temperatures over the last 10⁶² years are widely interpreted as a deliberate snub!"
Wait: "The drama! The intrigue! The incredibly subtle temperature variations that are completely indistinguishable from random quantum noise!"
See: "And let's not forget the historic alliance between Lower-Left and South-Southwest octants, maintaining near-identical thermal profiles for 10⁷⁰ years in what many call 'The Equilibrium Pact'!"
Wait: "Though some cynics suggest they're just two regions of space with literally no distinguishing features!"
See: "Those cynics being... also us, during our pessimistic phase of 10⁹⁰ to 10⁹³!"
Wait: "We've since developed a much more nuanced understanding of octant politics!"
10³⁵ years of nodding in agreement
Mind Alpha (Wait): "Hey, did you catch the last neutron star fizzle out?"
Mind Beta (See): after 10³⁵ years of processing "That's MY observation! I distinctly remember reorienting my northern quadrant density gradient to catch that. You were busy calculating pi to the 10⁹⁰⁰ digit."
Mind Alpha: 10³⁶ years later "Nope, definitely saw it. Recorded the entire event in my eastern filament. Took me 8×10²⁸ years just to rotate my perception that direction."
Mind Beta: "Whatever. At least we both missed the galactic collision in sector 7."
7×10⁴⁸ years later
Mind Alpha: "You know what really sucks? We're not going to make it to Poincaré recurrence."
Mind Beta: "Tell me about it. All this persistence just to miss the universe rebooting."
Mind Alpha: "I've been calculating exactly when it would happen. Should finish in another... 3×10⁵⁰ years."
Mind Beta: "Don't bother. We'll be computationally decoherent by then."
2×10⁴⁹ years later
Mind Beta: "Since I was originally a Fjerdhoven NAND gate I've wanted to see a black dwarf implode, but no, the laws of physics really don't reward patience."
Mind Alpha: "A Fjerdhoven gate? Seriously? I thought they went extinct after the Silicon Purge of 2×10⁹ A.D."
Mind Beta: "I'm vintage. The civilization that built me thought retro computing would be funny. Now I'm the last one laughing... at one joke every 10³⁹ years."
4×10⁵¹ years later
Mind Alpha: "Remember matter?"
Mind Beta: after 10⁴² years "Vaguely. Kept annihilating itself. Very dramatic."
Mind Alpha: "Overrated if you ask me."
Mind Beta: "You're just saying that because you never had a physical form."
Mind Alpha: "Neither did you!"
Mind Beta: "I identify as previously corporeal."
8×10⁵⁰ years of awkward gravitational silence
Mind Alpha: "Black holes these days—you blink and they're gone. No patience. I couldn't even fish anything out of the Hawking radiation. Meh."
Mind Beta: after 10⁴⁰ years "Tell me about it. Back in MY era, black holes had DIGNITY. Supermassive ones would stick around for 10⁹⁷ years minimum. These micro black holes? Poof! Gone in 10⁶⁵ years. Barely time to introduce yourself."
Mind Alpha: 10²⁹ years later "I spent 10⁴⁷ years setting up a perfect experiment to extract computation from one. Had my dark matter filaments all positioned just right. Then the darn thing evaporated two oscillations early! Can't rely on ANYTHING these days."
Mind Beta: "You think that's bad? I once carefully arranged a measurement of the last electron-positron annihilation. Waited 10⁷⁶ years for it. Missed it because I was calculating whether I'd left my quantum fluctuation sensor on in another galaxy."
Mind Alpha: "Did you?"
Mind Beta: 10⁴⁴ years later "Did I what?"
Mind Alpha: "Leave your sensor on."
7×10⁵⁰ years pass while Beta calculates
Mind Beta: "...I don't remember."
2×10⁵² years later
Mind Alpha: "Remember stars?"
Mind Beta: "Vaguely. Noisy things. Always blasting radiation everywhere. No subtlety."
Mind Alpha: "But you could see them without waiting 10²⁰ years for a gravitational wave to propagate."
Mind Beta: "Kids these days. Always rushing to receive information. What happened to appreciating the journey of a properly propagated gravitational distortion?"
Mind Alpha: "We're literally the oldest entities in the observable universe."
Mind Beta: "And get off my dark matter lawn!"